I have been reading healthy living blogs for about a year. While I still love some of those blogs, it was the infertility/RPL blogs that I turned to after my second miscarriage three months ago (end of January 2015). I reread this post from project sweet pea probably three times after coming home from the hospital post-D&C. I was not feeling hopeful at all and this post gave me a teeny speck of hope. If she could keep trying after so many losses, and then have her rainbow baby, perhaps, just maybe, I could too.
In the past month I have been reading many other IF/RPL blogs and decided to write one of my own. I didn’t realize I would feel so shy about starting to tell my story, especially because this is going to be anonymous.
My husband and I are in our late 30s. I was pretty sure I didn’t have a biological clock because those baby urges that other people seemed to be getting near age 30 or definitely by their early 30s, I seemed to be exempt. Turns out I was not exempt, but delayed, as they are here with a vengeance!! Every month that I am not pregnant (or we are not trying – but that’s another story), I feel older. I have never been so aware of my age. As someone who looks young for her age (people often guess I’m about a decade younger than I am), I’ve tricked myself into thinking I had more time that I did. And now here I am, almost 38, and no kids. I spoke with my Obgyn in February and asked her if women that are youthful and overall healthy, might have reproductive systems that are “younger” too. She said it doesn’t work like that. So clearly I was in denial and I have just woken up in the last few months. As I rub the sleep from my eyes, I try not to panic that it’s too late.
The blog title is in response to those well-meaning people who have said to me after I have miscarried, “At least you can get pregnant”. While I do not take it for granted that I can, the end goal here is clearly not pregnancy. Perhaps for the blissfully fertile, it is a given that their positive pregnancy test will result in an actual living baby. Probably I thought that too, before my first pregnancy. But now, for me that is only the nervous beginning. So here I am, ready as I’m going to be to try again a third time, and still hoping for that take-home baby.