I have been meaning to write for a while now. Baby girl is 10 1/2 months old and is doing well. I meant to write an update after her 9 month well-baby checkup but that didn’t happen. I would have told you that she is in the 50th percentile for head circ and height (which she has been from the beginning) and has moved up on the growth curve for weight – she’s usually been about 25-30th percentile and moved up to the 50th.
We traveled to visit my family at the beginning of December. My husband met us later which meant my first time flying alone with baby girl. It went decently and it’s really true how most people are so nice when they see you traveling alone with a baby. I don’t even know how many times strangers picked up toys for me that she dropped on the floor or that rolled down the aisle.
We had a great time staying with my parents and I wasn’t ready to leave. The distance is hard. It makes me unbelievably happy to see how much they love her.
I go back to work at the end of this month. I don’t even want to talk much about that. I know I have been so lucky to be able to spend so much time with her. I’m not ready to have that change yet. Every transition feels so final because there is a good chance she will be our only baby.
In mid-December she cut four teeth within four days. All four middle uppers, poor girl. She had one extremely rough night and some extra fussiness for a few days but she’s had that before and not popped teeth so it was unexpected.
This leads me to a main issue that’s going on right now. Right now I am hating breastfeeding. After struggles with low supply at the beginning, pumping, supplementing with formula, then getting my supply up and getting clogged ducts and eventually mastitis at around 3 months, we seemed to hit a sweet spot and I loved breastfeeding. Absolutely adored that snuggly baby/oxytocin-for-mama time. It was smooth, her latch was good, and we both loved it. Months went by like that. I couldn’t believe how good it was after having such a rough start. Things changed three weeks ago and I think it coincided with her popping all those teeth. Her latch must have changed because it became painful even though she was not biting and even though I tried to correct it. I started getting clogged ducts. I would be able to get a duct cleared, be okay for a couple of days, and would get another clog in a different spot. Sometimes both breasts would be clogged and hard. Baby girl would be sleeping and I would have to wake up to pump to try to get the clog out in the middle of the night, while pressing hard on the clog – so painful. Sometimes I would get chills or feel really unwell. I haven’t been sleeping well. I might have to take antibiotics again to kick this since it’s so recurrent. I’m very frustrated and have become emotional about it in the last few days. Anxiety has kicked in and my appetite is less. I’m noticing definite mood changed that I need to pay attention to. Though I haven’t talked in detail about it on this blog, I have alluded to the fact that I have had issues with anxiety in the past. I don’t mind discussing it, I’ve just been more focused on this baby year until recently. I still see a counselor once or twice a month and she had been watching me for signs of postpartum depression/anxiety.
I feel like I might need to wean baby girl and I really thought I would be able to let her decide on that instead of it coming from me. But my body is feeling so worn out and my mood is suffering. My husband has had to step up in the last few days because I have felt too physically unwell to care for her. I’m also getting anxious about my anxiety and how it could get in the way of me being able to parent her properly. I am feeling a ton of grief about weaning – way more than I thought I would. And I’m also feeling trapped with breastfeeding and anxious about weaning. I am getting so many clogged ducts/potential breast infections as it is right now and this is without reducing feeds. How is weaning possibly going to work?
I am going to call this morning to try to make an appointment with a lactation consultant this afternoon to discuss all this. My husband has the day off today and is going to come with me. I also have an appointment today at a clinic to get checked out to make sure it’s not infected, just clogged. Lastly I have an appointment with my counselor on Wednesday. Appointments all lined up! I’m not sure if these mood changes are about the loss of breastfeeding, because I’m feeling unwell and am in pain on the regular, because I don’t get enough rest, because it is a new year, because it is the month I go back to work, because I’m not getting enough sunlight, or a combination, but I am recognizing that right now I am needing more help and support.